The past two weeks have run together like a never ending story. I have caught myself saying there’s always tomorrow several times over the past few weeks. Between school, vacation, and the everyday little things I haven't really left much time for breathing let alone working out.
Every morning and every night when I look in the mirror I can’t help but get mad at myself. Why did I let this happen? Insecurity starts to ease its way back into my life and then I start to believe everyone who said, “Christiann, this isn’t possible. You just need to realize that you have big bones.” Once those thoughts have clouded my mind I start to tell myself that maybe I just wasn’t meant to be the skinny girl that turned heads when she walked into the room.
Shortly after my small pity party I snap back to reality and know that everything is possible. I am the girl that will turn heads when she walks into the room I just haven’t found the “Christiann Way” yet! Sure, everyone encounters speed bumps (set backs) in life and every now and then you have that stubborn one that makes stop dead in your tracks. This massive two month speed bump didn’t just stop me in my tracks but made me slam into reverse.
Shortly before my birthday I had 4 cc of fluid taken out of the band due to some complications. Twenty four hours after the fluid had been removed I felt free. I was able to eat and not have an immediate sickness overwhelm and consume my entire body. It wasn’t until the end of June that I finally accepted that everything needed to change. Taking a deep breath and closing my eyes as I pressed the re-start button on my life.
The decision was made and 2 cc were placed back in the band. Another appointment has been set for the end of July to place the additional 2 cc of fluid back into my band.
This change has sparked a serious of questions in my daily life. “Why is food my safe place and why does food make me feel free?” “Can you find something that makes you feel the same way but with different results?” After the second day of the unanswered questions, my emotions were being tested and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn’t free; food is my 4X4 cell that I can’t seem to breakaway from. I was sabotaging myself. Food had won (taken over my life) while I wasn’t paying attention. I was scared and immediately ran back to what I felt was safe. Eating.