It’s Official, I’m back!
The emotional journey has started. Before I had my surgery I went through what I like to call the six month waiting period. In those six months I had to see my dietitian every month and also had to be evaluated by a psychologist. I learned a lot from my dietitian and the psychologist said; your ready for surgery. The one thing that I never heard was that it may get emotional and that there will be good days and bad days.
For the all of my twenty four years I have been over weight. I have struggled with everything from depression, anxiety, boyfriends, and friend trouble. Now you may be thinking isn’t that what every normal child goes through. The answer is yes but when you are talking to a normal child about these things their weight is never the factor. In my life I was always told “If you loose weight things will get easier.” So I walked through life thinking that I was inadequate and would never be good enough unless I was skinny. This caused a lot of very emotional days but when I look back I was happy most of the time and if I wasn’t I would try and keep it to myself. I love to surround myself with people and as long as I wasn’t alone I wouldn’t have to deal with the fact that I was miserable inside. One of the things that I have come to realize in the past couple of months is that I use to hide behind my weight. As the pounds start to come off I have to deal with things that I have buried deep inside of me. Which is why the last couple of months have been very emotional but also eye opening experience.
It’s hard for me to admit that I fell off the wagon after surgery. My surgery was in February, which was a good month. I had my first doctor’s appointment the first week of March. I had lost weight and my hopes were high but shortly after that appointment things started to go south. I started eating more, and noticed that I was eating the same as pre surgery. I felt like a complete failure. I stopped getting on the scale and for the next three months slipped into a depression that I didn’t think I was going to get out of. I even stopped going to my fill appointments. I felt lost, very lost. Then my incredibly determined mother swooped in and well gave me the lecture of my life. After about a week of talking we came up with a plan. Two weeks later she was at my house helping me pack things into storage once again and I was moving to Houston. It was definitely not what I wanted to do but it was what I needed to do.
She told me that this wasn’t going to be easy but she wasn’t going to just let me quit. The first week was hard. I called my doctor’s office with much regret an schedule my appointment. Remember, I had already missed three months of appointments and didn’t think there was much hope. I was scared out of my mind about what they were going to say. The time finally came and there I sat in the dreaded doctor’s office. Shannon my nurse called me back and the first thing I had to do was get on the scale. I was devastated; I had gained all of my weight back. The one thing I do remember was how thoughtful Shannon was by saying “sweetheart, all you have to do it keep trying. It’s not over and we can help you get through this.” That was all I needed to hear. She then took me into see Dr. Slicho to have my adjustment\fill. Again the nerves got the best of me and I was scared to hear what I had messed up. This time I got some relieving news. He said that everything was fine and that he couldn’t wait to see my progress next time. Have I mention how much I love my Fort Worth Lap Band Team. It doesn’t matter what’s going on they're always encouraging me to do better. So I left my June appointment in better spirits. I was going to do better and I was going to show them that I was someone they could be proud of.
The month of June was emotional but I got through it. I remember Mom saying “Wow, you really are eating less!” but I also remember her saying “I hate eating with you because it makes me hurt!”
** She was saying this because almost every meal I was getting sick. Not because of the lap band but because I was trying to eat the same. The key to my surgery is how you eat. I have to chew all of my food until it’s applesauce. Try it sometime, it’s not easy. If I don't the food gets stuck. It’s very painful! **
As the month went on I got better and better about eating and choosing the right type of foods to eat. I also learned that if I would eat before I really got hungry I tended to eat slower and wouldn’t get sick. Four weeks later I was driving back to Fort Worth to have my July adjustment. I was extremely excited about this appointment because it was suppose to be the magic fill.
** The magic fill is usually between the third and sixth fill where a patient can go more than four weeks between each adjustment.**
I went in for my appointment and I was so excited but also nervous because I had set my expectation very high. I didn’t meet my fifteen pound goal but I did loose six pounds. I was proud for the first time at myself since making the choice to have this surgery. I had my adjustment and Dr. Slicho said “Great Job, six pounds!” I was happy and left there with a huge smile on my face & realized that I was going to do this but not before making my appointments for August and September.
It’s August 9th and my next appointment is Saturday, August 15th. I am not getting on the scale until then. I know that I have already lost weight since my last appointment but I also know that I have completely changed the way that I am eating. I no longer eat out of boredom, I eat for energy. Yes, I still enjoy how food taste and sometimes I don’t make the best decisions but I have cut down on eating. Plus, I have started going back to the gym. I love going to the gym. Right now I am exhausted afterwards but I know the more that I go the more energy that I will have.
So with that said, I am off to the gym for cardio and a couple of laps in the pool. I will keep you posted on my August adjustment and continued weight loss. I may even upload a picture.
To whom ever is reading this I thank you from the bottom of my heart for supporting me in this very emotional journey. I can say now that this is the best decision that I have ever made because I am sick of being "JUST ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL FACE!"
“Because in my darkest hour my light from within will guide me!”